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| It going "kill me", dying and then a black screen for 20 minutes would've been funnier. |
With city hall fumigated for bedbugs for some reason, Mayor Quimby hosts the next town meeting at Moe's bar, which erupts into a party upon the meeting's conclusion. During the party, a discussion of best friends come up and Moe is unable to come up with anyone that would be his best friend. People start mocking him, claiming his old bar rag is his best friend. Bart chimes in and says that Milhouse is a better best friend than a rag, offending Milhouse enough to end their friendship. Moe has enough and leaves, however the rag is given a spotlight and comes to life, decides to spend some time telling the audience the life its lived.
The rag began its existence way back in ye olde France, when a woman (Marge) is tasked by the Duke de Springfield (Burns) to create a tapestry for little gain. On his way out, Burns happily slaughters some sheep that were in his way. Those sheep gained the powers of the devil or something, and as Marge starts to use their wool for the tapestry, she becomes possessed to weave the tapestry non stop for years and years. Upon its completion, the cloth showcases the events it would live through in the future. Burns isn't pleased with it, though, and has Marge and her family killed as he rides off, but fate would turn its head and Burns would die by being hung by the cloth during a fall.
As Bart is disturbed that Milhouse is now neglecting him, the rag continues that in the dark ages it was a cloth that was celebrated until vikings came in and raided the place. A viking that looked like Homer took it for himself and ate parts of it. Some time later, the rag was used as barter by the Christians to dupe some Muslims, ruining things forever between the two. It became a patch to the tent of a king (Nelson), who forced his many wives to perform for him or be sent to a pit. His latest wife (Lisa) is able to free the other wives and they take out the king. The cloth would start traveling all over Europe, eventually winding up as the rag used by Michelangelo to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, though it was tossed aside after its completion.
As Bart's mental state continues to deteriorate after Milhouse keeps ignoring him, the rag continues that it was used during the Great Depression as a flavoring for cheap soup, but at some point it became a flag for a guy's climb of Mount Everest, but the guy died and the rag was left wasting, until a yeti came by to claim it, giving it to its son, Moe, which brings things to the present time. Moe is now sleeping happily with the rag, who actually now considers it his best friend, but a mysterious stranger nabs it.
Milhouse somehow hires Drederick Tatum to punch Bart for him, and afterwards Bart promises to be more subtle about his abuse of Milhouse, which Milhouse happily agrees to. Moe is frantically searching around town for his rag, which is currently being run through a dryer. A pan out reveals it was Marge who took the rag. Moe arrives at the house and finds it, happy to be reunited with his rag. Marge tells him she saw Moe hugging his rag and, after seeing how 'ripe' it was, decided to give it a good wash. Moe then realizes, though, that the rag isn't his best friend, that since his bar is apparently a hip place to be, he's got plenty of human interaction to enjoy. Confident, Moe throws the rag outside. As the rag contemplates its end, Santa's Little Helper grabs it and makes it his own, which the rag rather enjoys.
Quick Review
Well, you can't say they recycled this plot!
Regardless of how weird an episode focused on Moe's rag is, the real inexcusable move was to make such an episode as unfunny as possible. The episode barely got any laughs out of me, I dare to say not even a dozen times which is incredibly low. The Milhouse side story was also pretty pointless and ended on a dumb note as well. This is definitely one of the worst episodes churned out in quite some time.
Final Score: 3.7
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