Character Spotlight: Patti & Selma Bouvier

Note: This was written before the start of Season 28.  Any new information regarding either character that occurs in an episode from Season 28 onward is not covered here.

Characters: Patty Bouvier and, full name, Selma Bouvier-Terwilliger-Hutz-McClure-Stu-Simpson-D'Amico, both voiced by Julie Kavner

First Episode: Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire (S01, E01-001)

Occupation: the two both work at the DMV

General Demeanor
The two are, generally, very unpleasant to be around.  They both smoke, they both prattle on and on about their various yet boring vacations and are very unfun people.  Though they generally support their younger sister Marge, the two both despise her husband Homer (and he, them) and both are quick to come to Marge's aid whenever it seems like one has left the other, or if the two had a fight, or so on.  The two also are maniacal fans of MacGyver, a moderately successful show of the late 80s and early 90s about a secret agent fond of turning ordinary objects into weapons or other problem-solving devices.  As the show came to an end and the years passed, this plot point isn't brought up so much (save for one episode which addressed it), but with a reboot planned this year, perhaps this plot point will be revisited?

As the seasons moved on, Patty and Selma started to gain individual traits, Selma in particular.  While Patty remained relatively the same, Selma's character was given a major lift.  Several episodes focus on Selma's desire to not live - or die - alone (despite living with her twin sister, mind you).  Selma's constant need for companionship has caused her to marry multiple times, with Robert "Sideshow Bob" Terwilliger, Lionel Hutz (no episode focused on this), Troy McClure, Disco Stu (no episode focused on this), Grampa Simpson and Fit Fat Tony D'Amico.  When those all failed one way or another, Selma sought companionship in another way - first via her aunts passed down lizard pet Jub-Jub but later on adopted a Chinese child - Ling - who has the incredible ability to age while nobody else can.

The only major thing that's happened with Patty is the one episode where she reveals she's gay.  After this there are a couple of gags that remind you as such, but regardless Patty does not, has not and will likely never get the same amount of attention that Selma has gotten.

Key Character Moments
The Rise of the Simpsons
Neither twin was given much of a focus in the first season, but Season 2's Principal Charming changes that.  It establishes Selma's need for companionship beyond her twin sister by having her attempt to hook up with Principal Skinner.  However, he falls for Patty instead.  Now, keep in mind that Patty's gay reveal doesn't happen until much, much later, but Patty doesn't show any major romantic feelings for Skinner and ultimately dumps him for Selma's sake.

The Golden Age of the Simpsons
I Married Marge, a Season 3 flashback episode, further differentiates the two.  When a failed Homer leaves Marge until he can be financially stable, the twins actually find him working at a burger joint.  While Patty is fine letting things be, Selma is more sympathetic to Marge's plight and lets her know where Homer is.  Homer Alone, also in Season 3, doesn't establish much about the sisters other than reinforce that its not fun to live with them for any amount of time.

Selma's first marriage occurred with "Sideshow" Bob Terwilliger in Black Widower.  However, when its found out that Bob married - and tried to kill - Selma for her money, she annulled the marriage (at least I assume she did).

Selma's need for companionship also extends to children, as Season 4's Selma's Choice illustrates.  Her desire to have kids intensifies but after spending an afternoon with Bart and Lisa, she reconsiders and ends up being fine inheriting her late aunt's lizard, Jub-Jub.

Homer vs. Patty and Selma, a Season 6 episode, illustrates the disdain between both parties, though when Homer bails the sisters out of deep trouble at the end - though Homer admits he only did so for Marge's sake, the animosity between the sides lessen just slightly.

Selma marries again, in Season 7's A Fish Called Selma.  Here she marries fallen star Troy McClure, though McClure admits he only got into a relationship with her to revive his career.  She breaks off the marriage when Troy attempts to bring a child into their sham marriage.  To note, its noted in a Zombie Simpson episode that she married Lionel Hutz sometime before this episode and Disco Stu sometime after this episode but both of these are only meant to be jokes over the fact that Selma has now been in multiple failed marriages.

The Fall of the Simpsons
The sisters get barely any focus during the four Scully years.  They get a bit of showtime in Season 11's Its a Mad Mad Mad Mad Marge, but that's about it.

Zombie Simpsons
Season 16's There's Something About Marrying establishes that Patty is gay.  With that and the episode's attempt to tackle the gay marriage issue back in 2004/2005, it garnered quite a bit of attention, if not any laughs.

Just two episodes later, in Goo Goo Gai Pan, Selma adopts a Chinese baby on the fly with the help of Homer and Marge.  The baby, Ling, would appear in some later episodes but much older than she appears in this episode.

Season 17's Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangolore, an odd, stupid episode on its own, does bring a resolution to the old 'Patty & Selma love MacGyver' plot by having them kidnap MacGyver himself (Richard Dean Anderson).  Anderson escapes but gets a thrill out of it so he allows himself to be caught by them again so that he can continue escaping.  Eventually the two force him out permanently by showing him one of their boring slideshows, causing him to leave for good.  I'm fairly sure MacGyver hasn't been brought up at all since this episode.

In Season 18's Rome-old and Juli-eh, Selma and Grampa hook up and eventually marry, much to the disgust of both Patty and Homer.  The relationship doesn't work out, of course.

Zombie Simpsons HD
In Season 20's Wedding for Disaster, Homer and Marge come to learn they're still divorced for one reason or another and so Homer attempts to stage a grand second wedding celebration.  However, as its learned later in the episode, Patty and Selma kidnap Homer in hopes that Marge will be so devastated she leaves Homer for good, and torture him for fun I guess.  However, Homer - who isn't aware of who kidnapped him - shows his dedication to Marge, and how he wishes he could see her, their kids, and even his sisters in law again.  That compassion gets to the twins who decide to let him go just as Bart and Lisa figure out it was them behind the scheme.  The twins get coerced into paying for a last-minute celebration for Homer and Marge.

A minor footnote, but in Season 22's The Blue and the Gray, its learned that its cigarette ash and smoke discolor their hair to its grayish tone - naturally, Patty is a redhead while Selma is blonde.

Selma's most recent failed marriage, to Fat Tony, occurs in Season 22's The Real Housewives of Fat Tony.  The marriage fails when Selma learns that she is the mistress in one of Tony's other marriages.

Most recently, in Season 27's Puffless, Patty and Selma both attempt to quit smoking when they learn their father died of lung cancer.  The attempt ultimately fails when they can't stand the smell of their apartment without cigarette smoke to cloak it.

Must Watch Episodes Feature Patty & Selma Bouvier
Principal Charming
Homer Alone
Black Widower
Selma's Choice 
Homer vs Patty and Selma
A Fish Called Selma

Puffless (S27, E03-577)

That's some quality bonding, that bleach to the men's retinas I mean.

Plot Summary
Its the 80th birthday of Marge's mother, Jacqueline Bouvier, and the family reluctantly goes, including Maggie who befriends a cartoonish squirrel just before they leave.  At the birthday party, after some shenanigans Marge, Patty and Selma finally learn how their father died: lung cancer, presumably from smoking.  The news unnerves Patty and Selma and the two decide to quit smoking before they suffer a similar fate.

The process of quitting is a difficult one for Patty both because it seems like Selma's doing okay and Patty is having symptoms similar to that of a stroke.  However, at the hospital she figures out that Selma is, still, smoking.  Unable to patch their differences in this difficult time, Patty leaves Selma to try and quit on her own, living with the Simpsons in the interim.  Selma is willing to accept things as they are, but with her visualizing her cigarette as a woo-ing, Jon Lovitz-voiced tempter, Selma realizes her error, and reunites with Patty.  The two attempt to quit together, but upon realizing how awful their apartment smells without cigarette smoke filtering everything, the two quickly return to their habit, with a montage of their smoking to finish the episode.

Meanwhile, Maggie's squirrel friend introduces her to other animal friends, including a possum whom Maggie gets particularly attached to.  One night, however, the possum disappears, but Maggie notices Cletus and his family going home with it with the intention of cooking it.  Maggie rallies up the animals and concocts a plan of rescue, however she is unable to go because she's too slow, that is until a pig (the "Spider-Pig", from the movie) arrives to give Maggie a lift.  Maggie, with the animals, defeat a guard dog and a hillbilly baby to free the possum.  The group disbands before the credits.

Quick Review
This episode, actually, was very funny.  Maggie's animal sideplot was much funnier than I anticipated, thanks in large part to the use of Cletus and his family.  The main plot has lots of funny moments as well, particularly the parts with the bleach, call me silly but I liked that gag a lot.  The episode has a few too many references against it (namely the Spider-Pig and a whole segment that looks like it was from the cutting floor of Lady Bouvier's Lover), and the ending was pretty stupid (oh our place smells lets smoke again so we don't have to smell it LOL), but overall, this is the funniest episode I've watched that wasn't a crossover or cross promotion of something in a couple of seasons.  What a pleasant surprise.

Final Score: 8.3

The Real Housewives of Fat Tony (S22, E19-483)

It starts to get tiresome, going to your sister's various weddings.

Plot Summary
At the DMV, Bart and Lisa create line chaos after Homer stuck them in the line to do fun things.  Planning to sell the front of the line for money, their plans are halted when Fit Fat Tony comes in to declare a change of address.  However, the clerk working at the time, Selma, does her usual DMV bit to even Tony, and Tony is unable to accomplish anything.  Having been slighted in public, Fat Tony has Selma kidnapped, and plans on slicing off her body parts, courteous enough to let her choose first.  Selma insists of them taking off her love handles, and Tony comes to like Selma's brashness.  He gets a doctor to give liposuction to Selma, and the two begin to fall in love.

Meanwhile, Lisa discovers Bart has a knack for smelling truffles.  The pair encounter Luigi nearby, who pays the two good money for the few truffles they've found, lamenting that the pig he had flown over from Italy was proving worthless at truffle hunting.  Looking to cash in, Bart more than gladly sniffs out more truffles, but Lisa becomes more and more demanding of Bart.  Soon enough as nearly every truffle around has been harvested, Bart tries to quit, but trips and gets knocked out for a second.  Lisa uses this opportunity to cover Bart's mouth and eyes to make him better at truffle sniffing, and indeed it does.  He's able to sniff more truffles... in Lisa's room.  Lisa reveals that she hadn't been selling them, she's been eating them because, as a vegetarian, its the only tasty thing she's had in forever.  With just one truffle left, Lisa lets Bart do whatever with it, and Bart decides to let Luigi's pig eat it, which ends up being a bad idea as the pig becomes truffle crazy and runs amuck in Luigi's restaurant.

Fat Tony and Selma eventually decide to marry, and the family is invited.  During the reception, though, the Simpsons are placed at a faraway table.  Marge is irritated by this, and learns that Selma didn't want Homer screwing things up.  Marge takes offense to this, and the two have an open spat.  Later, Fat Tony decides to invite Homer and Marge to his beach resort in New Jersey so that the two sisters can make up.  After some initial hostilities, Marge and Selma do make up after Selma admits she might've been harsh on Homer out of jealousy that Marge had married.  A short time later, though, as Marge and Homer go back to their room, they overhear Fat Tony getting ready for his "goomar", which Marge knows is slang for a mistress.

Marge tells Selma that Fat Tony is cheating on her, and after Selma cries over yet another failed marriage, she confronts Tony the next morning.  Just then, a woman crashes in with her car, revealing herself to be Fat Tony's actual wife, with a ring to match.  It turns out Selma is the goomar; during the ceremony everything was spoken in Italian, leaving Selma unaware it was to make her Tony's goomar, not his wife.  As Tony's wife and Selma engage in a cat fight, Marge is again glad she's marry to simple ol' Homer, and the two make out nearby.

Quick Review
This episode starts off strong.  I'm a sucker for mob references, and the beginning of the episode had them in spades.  However, once the Jersey Shore references started up, the episode takes a pretty hard fall and there was no recovery from it.  The truffle side story had a little bit going for it at first, but it too suffered from a lame ending, and so the episode ends up as a middle of the road effort for the season.

Final Score: 6.8

Four Great Women and a Manicure (S20, E20-440)

"Curse the producers for giving me Jodie Foster's voice", she was probably thinking.

Plot Summary
Marge takes Lisa to get her first manicure.  Lisa, in her stubborn manner, tries to tell Marge that its more important that a woman be smart and powerful rather than look pretty, but Marge counters that a woman can be all three, telling her about Queen Elizabeth I as an example.

Queen Elizabeth I
The Queen (Selma) is taking in suitors to be her husband.  She turns down multiple suitors, including the King of Spain (Julio).  However, she takes a liking to Walter Raleigh (Homer), who offers the Queen tobacco as a gift.  However, Walter takes a liking to the Queen's Lady in Waiting (Marge), and Elizabeth quickly finds out, sending the two to be executed.  However, before that order can be carried out, she learns that Spain has gone to war against England.  She sends a ship to fight against it.  Unwittingly, Walter sets the ship on fire; as its crew goes overboard the blazing ship sets aflame the entire Spanish armada, winning the war for England.  Elizabeth allows Walter to marry the Lady in Waiting, admitted that she doesn't need a man as long as she has England.
Individual Score: -0.1

The Version of Snow White That Doesn't Belong to Disney
Lisa retorts about the dangers of obsessing over beauty, deciding to retell the story about Snow White.  To avoid legal troubles, the tale also features seven untrademarked dwarves: Crabby (Moe), Drunky (Barney), Hungry (Homer), Greedy (Burns), Lenny, Kearney, and Doc(tor Hibbert) who sing an original yet familiar sounding song as they operate a gem mine.  Nearby, a wicked queen (Lindsey Naegle, I guess) asks her HDTV in the wall who the prettiest woman is.  Angrily, she learns that person to be Snow White (Lisa).  She has someone (Willie) attempt to assassinate Snow White, but he can't go through with it and prompts Snow White to flee.  She hides at the seven Dwarves' house, and they let her stay.  One day, with the dwarves at work, the wicked queen uses her shapeshifting abilities to turn into an old hag, who ambushes Snow White and forces her to eat a poisoned apple.  Though the woodland animals take care of the queen, Snow White falls into a coma.

Then Lisa explains that Snow White eventually was cured by a woman doctor and lived a pedestrian life from then on.
Individual Score: +0.2

Lady MacBeth in the Real World Which is Actually Just an Alternate Ficticious Reality
Bothered by Homer, Marge decides to tell Lisa about a retelling of Lady MacBeth, but with Simpsons characters being themselves.  In this lengthy tale that feels like a rejected Treehouse of Horror segment, Marge is upset that the only role Homer could get in an upcoming Lady MacBeth play is that of a tree.  She is further upset that the lead role is filled by Sideshow Mel, and orders Homer to kill him so Homer can take his role.  Homer reluctantly does so and sure enough Homer now is given the lead role in the play.  The next day, though, reviews are in that proclaim Dr. Hibbert as the star of the show.  Angered, Marge has Homer kill him as well.  The next day, reviews of the previous nights play has Homer in dead last compared to five other actors, so Marge has Homer kill all of them as well.  Marge is only upset at this point because Homer killed those actors in costume, which she has to clean.  However, the ghosts of those killed haunt Marge, fully aware that her intent to kill is the true malice of the situation.  Marge is unable to handle it and dies from a heart attack.  Homer mourns Marge's death, but is relieved he can stop acting until Marge's ghost comes and forces Homer to keep going.  Its the final showing of the play, there are no other actors, and nobody is there to watch it, but Homer finally provides a stunning performance of his part.  Ghost Marge is proud of Homer, and gives him several more plays for him to try out, but Homer has enough and shoots himself so that his ghost self doesn't have to worry about acting anymore.
Individual Score: +0.2

Maggie Roark
As the show now breaks things up into four segments, there's still enough time for one more story, so Marge tells another one based around Maggie (and Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead for some reason).  In it, Maggie is in a preschool run by a guy who actively diminishes creative thinking.  Leaving the babies blocks to mess around with, the teacher is continuously forced to destroy Maggie's creations in an attempt to dull her creative sense.  It comes to a head when Maggie showcases another blocked beauty during a showcase to parents.  As a result, the teacher takes Maggie to trial, with the other babies as the jury.  After the teacher makes his case, Maggie defends herself.  Suddenly being guest voiced by Jodie Foster, Maggie tells everyone that like others in the past, she refuses to let her creative talent go to waste for anyone.  Marge then explains that Maggie grows up to be a successful architect and builds a day care which encourages creativity, but before Marge can finish the story she stops Maggie from messing up a wall with nail polish, ironically ignoring that Maggie had repainted a famous work of art in the process.
Individual Score: -0.1

Quick Review
This was a pretty bad episode.  Telling four stories really puts a cramp in each of them, not really letting any of them hit a stride.  Its made worse with the Lady MacBeth story line being nearly twice as long as the others ones yet that one still wasn't funny.  Really, none of these stories - some of which were peppered with Lisa's annoying self-service - were any good, and they all combine to make the worst episode of the season.

Final Score: 4.4

Rome-old and Juli-eh (S18, E15-393)

Wasn't the point of the baby was so that Selma wouldn't marry out of loneliness anymore?

Plot Summary
Homer builds a rec room in the basement thanks to a plan he devises where he could declare bankruptcy to avoid paying his debts while protecting his assets.  Unfortunately, the bankruptcy rules have changed without his knowledge, and when he declares bankruptcy, he is forced to get a financial advisor to fix his budget.  Homer is unwilling to remove any of his crazy expenses, but does decide to cut one thing off: the money he's paying to have Grampa stay at the retirement home.  Grampa becomes a quick inconvenience at home.  Homer and Marge decide to go out for dinner one night, and as Marge doesn't trust Grampa to look after the kids, she calls in Selma to look after Grampa.  That night, the two get to talking and, after some wine, decide to have a kiss, which horrifies Homer upon his and Marge's early return.

Homer demands Grampa never kiss Selma again, but Grampa blows him off.  He and Selma have another date, and though Selma presumes its only to anger Homer, Grampa tries to start up an actual relationship with her, under the premise that people like them shouldn't pass over any opportunity.  Selma decides to give it a try and, sure enough, the two get to liking one another.  Patty has enough, and teams up with Homer to attempt to break them up.  Patty disguises herself as Selma, and Homer as some cuckolder, and the two "make out" where Grampa can see.  However, Selma arrives from elsewhere and blows apart their scheme.  Grampa is relieved, and decides right then and there to propose to Selma, who accepts.  Homer doesn't like the idea of having Selma as his new mother.

Grampa and Selma marry, but with Grampa as old as he is, Selma decides to accept a promotion she was offered at work to support the two.  Things are okay at first, but as Selma becomes overwhelmed at work, Grampa's senility kicks in and he unwittingly ruins the kitchen and its various appliances.  The two realize the marriage isn't going to work out and they break up on good terms.

Meanwhile, during all of this, Bart and Lisa learn from Ned Flanders that they can order cardboard boxes for no fee just as long as they do so for a company.  The two abuse this service and use the many boxes they acquire to build a fort.  Soon, the company that provides the boxes gets wise and attempts to retrieve them, sending waves after waves of workers to dismantle the fort in a Lord of the Rings-like manner.  With some unexpected help from Nelson, Bart and Lisa are able to defend their box fort, and the company's workers are forced to flee.  Bart and Lisa celebrate their victory, but quickly become bored of their fort, and decide to water it down to nothing.

Quick Review
Another unremarkable episode for the season, albeit with a wacky plot idea, the likes of which were somewhat reference in jest way back in Season 8.  This story had its moments, but the comedy slowed down even further in the latter half of the episode.  The side story with Bart and Lisa didn't have much going for it at first, and the grand battle of the box fort at the end was hard to sit through as well.

Final Score: 6.3

Goo Goo Gai Pan (S16, E12-347)

The things these two will go through for their respective loves.

Plot Summary
Selma goes through menopause which means, among other things, she can no longer birth a child.  Selma is depressed over this, but Patty suggests adoption.  Selma goes to pick one up, but it turns out its Cletus' child who he mistakenly left at the adoption center.  Unwilling to try that again for some reason, Selma listens to Lisa (uh oh!) and tries to adopt a Chinese baby, Chinese babies being far more in supply than American babies for some reason.  When Selma goes to apply for one, though, she learns that the Chinese consider family togetherness strongly and that they will only give babies to married couples.  Further, the couple will have to go to China to actually pick the baby up.  Desperate for a baby, Selma puts in the name of a man who will pretend to be her husband for awhile: Homer Simpson.

Selma gives the Simpson family a free trip to China, though she doesn't tell Homer why he's going until they're already in the airplane.  In China, the two learn that it'll still be a few days before they can get a baby.  In the meantime, the family gets to enjoy Chinese culture while a representative Madam Wu, keeps an eye on Homer and Selma to confirm whether they are suited for a baby or not.  With the knowledge that nobody in Japan is aware of him, Homer tells Wu that he's a Chinese Acrobat, a fact which causes trouble later when the family watches an acrobat act and Homer is forced to fill in for a final stunt.  Homer suffers an injury and is hospitalized, but by the time he comes to Selma has her baby, whom she names Ling Bouvier.  As thanks, Marge (who had been playing the role of a nanny for Homer and Selma's children), gives Homer a quick 'snuggle', but Wu spies this through a secret compartment.  Learning that Selma is not married, she quickly confiscates Ling and drives away, once again devastating Selma.

Despite the failure, Lisa suggests they try to sneak away with Ling anyway (with a Chinese spy disguised as Bart eager to hear her plan).  Late that night, they have Homer sneak into the orphanage disguised as a Buddha statue.  Once he gets in, he's quickly able to locate and sneak away with Ling.  The group tries to get back to the airport, but they're stopped at Tiananmen Square by Wu, inside a tank (I get references).  Selma tries to reason with Wu, bonding over their shared vocations as bureaucrats, and convinces Wu that babies can work out just fine with a single parent.  Wu relents, revealing that she, too, was raised by a single parent, and lets the family go home with no further incident, though they hitch a ride back on a boat with Chinese-spy Bart riding along with them.

Quick Review
This episode was better than I remember it being.  Lucy Liu, who voiced Wu, did an okay job, nothing worth criticising.  The Chinese-centric jokes ranged from fine to bad (notably the dragons Homer may or may not have hallucinated), but overall it turns out to be a pretty decent episode.

Final Score: 7.2

There's Something About Marrying (S16, E10-345)

Homer's latest exploitative scheme not only works, but Homer is
left completely unpunished for his motivations.  How about that.

Plot Summary
Bart and Milhouse can't trick anyone in town anymore because they've all gotten wise.  Fortunately for them they come across a tourist riding on the back of a turnip truck, and decide to take full advantage, pulling him into several pranks.  Eventually the guy has enough and leaves town.  Unfortunately, that guy is also part of a national morning program that chronicles his travels across America, and he gives a rather scathing review of Springfield, giving it his lowest score ever: 6/10.  Within a month's time, tourism has completely died off and the town is in a dire situation.  Mayor Quimby hosts a town meeting about fixing this, when Lisa makes a rather bold suggestion: allow gay marriage to occur in Springfield, that'll really boost tourism.  Most of the town agrees, and it comes to pass.

Gay couples come to Springfield by the hundreds to get married, however Reverend Lovejoy refuses to perform gay marriages, citing the bible for his refusal.  In frustration, Quimby notes that each gay marriage is costing Lovejoy about $200 per couple.  Homer overhears that tidbit and decides to get in on the action.  He goes online and quickly becomes legally able to provide wedding services, and so every gay couple in Springfield goes to him to get married.  Afterwards, Homer decides to further open up his marriage services to allow anyone to marry anything.

All the while, Marge is happy with the whole process and is happy for the couples getting wed.  However, she's visited by Patty, who wishes to use Homer's services.  Marge is happy to hear this, until she learns Patty is marrying a woman named Veronica (a pro golfer in the LPGA)... thereby confirming that Patty is also gay, not that anyone is really surprised.  That is, except for Marge, who is completely taken aback by Patty's outing despite several obvious signs throughout her life which pointed as such.  Marge, now feeling somewhat betrayed that Patty kept this 'secret' for so long, starts acting hostile towards Patty who takes notice and tells Marge to only attend the wedding when she's ready to accept Patty for who she is.

Marge is still upset the day of the wedding, but as she wanders into the bathroom, she notices Veronica inside, however she notices that Veronica left the toilet seat up, and is also shaving, thereby mostly proving that Veronica is, in fact, a man.  Marge keeps it a secret as now she's taking joy in the knowledge that Patty is really marrying as God intended, and attends the wedding.  However, she sees how committed Patty is to her wedding vows, and soon guilt overrides Marge's dubious joy.  She informs everyone about Veronica's secret, one Veronica did to gain entry into the LPGA.  Patty breaks up the wedding, and the two reconcile.  Homer's gay marriage scheme ends for some reason, and Patty gets back up with Selma to once again go out and find respective mates.

Quick Review
This episode garnered some controversy when it aired in 2005.  Obviously most of this was because of the gay marriage theme, as well as some hype leading up to the episode as to who exactly would come out as gay (Patty).  Right-leaning groups hated the the episode was going to 'force' it down audience's throats, though those who actually watched the episode were still happy that the episode featuring the usual gay-joke arsenal.  Left-leaning groups loved the episode concept and apparently couldn't care less about the gay-joke arsenal used within.

Of course, with all this time spent addressing gay marriage within the episode, is there any time left for the show's intended purpose: comedy?  The answer is: not really.  Homer's role in this episode provides the most entertainment, however the late-blooming, unfunny plot surrounding Patty as well as the episode's central controversy hindered this episode from being, well, good.

Final Score: 6.4

The Ziff Who Came to Dinner (S15, E14-327)

Hey look, its four guys with the same voice greeting a fifth guy with said voice.

Plot Summary
Homer takes his kids and the Flanders kids out to see a movie, but Rod and Todd inform Homer they aren't allowed to see some racy teen flick Homer plans on buying tickets for.  Instead, Lenny and Carl convince Homer to see a scary movie that features Lenny playing a bit part.  Of course, all four kids get scared beyond belief watching this movie.  That night, neither kid can sleep and both freak out over noises they hear, apparently from the attic.  The two attempt to investigate themselves, but they both eventually freak out and flee.  They get Homer and Marge to check instead, and they actually find a source of the noises: Artie Ziff!

Ziff, just a couple of season ago, was an internet billionaire with enough money to re-enact 1970s proms for women that don't love him, lost his fortune when his internet company's stock fell like most internet companies stock did, and lost all of his possessions.  With nowhere else to go, he hid out at the Simpsons place because they're the closest thing he's ever had to companionship.  While Marge is disgusted by the whole thing, the kids convince Homer at least to let the guy stay.

Artie is still depressed over his losses, though, so Homer decides to take him to Moe's.  Marge sees a news tidbit on Artie where he's wanted by the SEC for stockholder fraud and similar crimes.  Just then, Homer and Artie are playing poker with the bar mates, when Homer wins 98% of Ziffcorp's stock in a hand.  Just then, the SEC barges in to arrest Artie, but when they learn that Homer is now the majority shareholder of Ziffcorp, he's arrested instead.

With Homer going to jail for 10 years for what 'his' company did, a furious Marge kicks Artie out of the house.  Depressed, Artie is met by Patty and Selma.  Upon learning that it was Artie that put Homer in jail, Selma gets super turned on, and takes Artie back to the apartment for a one night stand.  This somehow causes Artie to realize what he's done, and decides to take responsibility for his actions.  He goes to the SEC to show another set of books that puts full financial culpability on him, leaving Homer free to go.  Marge thanks Artie for doing the right thing (eventually), and Artie goes to jail where he'll have a harder time making due than most people.

Quick Review
I usually enjoy episodes featuring a character voiced by Jon Lovitz, and boy did I try to enjoy this episode, but the quality just wasn't up to par.  There also had to of been a better way for Artie to realize his mistakes than to go all the way with Selma, what the hell was up with that, anyway?  Still, its not a completely bad episode.  There are a few good moments, particularly early on, and Lovitz provides a good Artie as usual.

Final Score: 7.2

A Fish Called Selma (S07, E19-147)

"Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius!"

Plot Summary
As the Simpsons are watching an old movie featuring Troy McClure (a Muppet movie this time), Homer and Marge talk about what's become of him, with Homer suggesting that Troy's career has been washed up ever since an 'incident' at the aquarium (later rumors passed along suggest that Troy has some kind of weird fish fetish).  At that same time, Troy is pulled over for reckless driving, and is told that he won't have to wear glasses like his license instructs him to do if he can pass an eye test at the DMV.

There, Selma becomes enamored with Troy, who picks up on that and makes a deal with her to give him a pass on the eye test in exchange for dinner.  The dinner goes uneventfully, but outside the restaurant a pack of reporters catch the two, realizing that Troy McClure is having relations with what appears to be a human.  News of the 'date' make it to papers, prompting Troy's agents, who hasn't spoken to him in eight years, to call and offer him new roles in entertainment, as Troy being with a woman is resurrecting a career that was derailed over his fetish.  Troy agrees to continue his relationship with Selma, eventually proposing to her.  Afterwards, Troy soon gets a good gig on Broadway: a Planet of the Apes musical with him as the star, pretty much bringing Troy's career to life again.

With the wedding approaching quickly, Troy and his soon-to-be brother in law Homer go out for some drinks.  There, Troy drunkenly whispers a secret to Homer regarding Selma and the marriage, but Homer doesn't bother to say anything during the wedding itself.  The night after, Homer casually reveals to Marge that Troy is only marrying Selma to further his career and that the marriage is a sham.  Marge brings it up to Selma, who then confronts Troy over it.  Troy, whose marriage now has him in consideration for the part of McBain's sidekick in a fourth McBain movie, readily reveals to Selma that the marriage is, in fact, a sham, but as long as Selma's living the good life, what does it matter?  Selma agrees with that notion, and the two carry on.

Things complicate when Troy's agent informs him that the McBain sidekick part will probably go to a family man, and that Troy needs to have a baby with Selma to greatly improve his chances.  With Troy's, er, romantic inclinations he finds this more difficult than it should be, but Selma is unwilling to bring a child into a sham relationship, and finally decides to leave Troy.  Later, Troy turns down the McBain sidekick part to direct and star in a FOX-funded project of his own: The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel.

Quick Review
This episode has its share of highs and lows.  The entire Planet of the Apes bit was well done and is the best part of the episode, and the Hufnagel joke at the end was nice as well.  The whole thing with Troy's fish fetish, a rather odd concept to introduce to the character, was done well in the episode as well.  The parts where Selma is the focus were the aforementioned lows, and given that she has a big part in this episode, it drags it down a bit which is a shame as an episode otherwise starring Troy McClure should've been much funnier, not that this episode isn't without its good graces.

Final Score: 8.6

Homer vs. Patty and Selma (S06, E17-120)

For a guy who just became indebted to his sisters in law, he sure is happy.

Plot Summary
Homer invests in pumpkins, noticing that its stocks go up during October, but doesn't realize exactly why that is.  Upon failing to sell his shares before Halloween, Homer loses his investment and goes broke.  With a mortgage payment due up, Homer's misery only grows when Patty and Selma visit his house, each celebrating a promotion at the DMV.  Homer quickly throws them out, but later hears a conversation between them and Marge where Marge defends Homer under the belief he'll always be able to take care of the family.  Desperate for money, Homer tries multiple avenues to either get money or extend his mortgage payment, but gets absolutely no help.  With no other options left and in danger of losing his house, Homer swallows his pride and goes to his last-ditch option: asking Patty and Selma for money, which they happily - and sinisterly - oblige.

In a subplot, Bart takes his sweet time getting to school, not knowing that today is P.E. signup day, with the best sports being filled up quickly.  By the time Bart finally gets to school, only one activity is left for him to join: ballet.  Bart is less than thrilled, but learns he has a bit of talent towards ballet, and quickly grows to appreciate it.  However, he learns that his ballet group will be performing for the school (and a bunch of detention kids from this and other schools).  Attempting to avoid being laughed at by girls and beat up by boys, Bart dons a ski mask to hide his identity during the show.  His moves are a big hit with the crowd, and Bart is celebrated.  Believing the crowd to be with him, Bart reveals himself, which brings Jimbo, Nelson and the like to quickly turn on and chase after Bart.  Bart runs to a ditch that he can't jump over, but decides to try ballet to make the leap.  He fails, and hurts himself bad falling into the ditch, which the bullies are okay with.

Now in debt to Patty and Selma, Homer is forced to follow their orders so that Marge doesn't learn about his financial failings, flaunting an I.O.U. paper to ensure his obedience.  However, Homer attempts to either burn or acquire the paper, and Marge is able to find out Homer owes them money.  Patty reveals Homer's failed investment, and Homer angrily throws them out, saying he doesn't want to see either of them again.

Despite that, he still owes them money for the mortgage payment.  He sees a commercial for a limousine driver gig which requires no experience, so Homer takes that up.  With his first passenger being Mel Brooks, Homer is pulled over for a tail light that was blinking when Homer made a turn.  Revealing he has no chauffeur's license, Wiggum directs Homer to get one at the DMV, specifically via Patty and Selma, much to Homer's horror.

With Marge accompanying him, Homer attempts to take the chauffeur's license test.  However, as expected, neither Patty nor Selma are the least bit lenient with Homer, and he's unable to pass the test, much to their pleasure.  Smoking cigarettes in celebration, the two are busted by their supervisor for smoking in a government building.  Homer takes glee in their newfound misery, but notices Marge distraught and sad over this turn of events.  Swallowing some more pride, Homer decides to take the fall, and declares both cigarettes to be his (he is in flavor country, its a pretty big country).  The sisters are spared punishment, and though Homer only did it for Marge, Marge points out that this is the kind of Homer the sisters never get to see.  To thank Homer, the sisters are willing to let Homer pass the license test, but Homer "convinces" them to drop the debt instead.

Quick Review
Encounters between Homer and his two sisters in law usually make for good television, and having an entire episode dedicated to that struggles would make for an excellent episode, and that's the case here.  The ballet subplot had its moments, particularly in how it ended, but it was otherwise unremarkable.  Meanwhile, Homer's mannerisms throughout the episode, which go through a variety of changes depending on the situation, really make this a good episode.  Patty and Selma were particularly devious this time around which only enhanced the episode's quality.

Final Score: 9.0

Principal Charming (S02, E14-027)

Homer Sexuals don't like women, you see.

Plot Summary
Upset that a co-worker she might've had a chance with is instead marrying a different woman, Selma asks Marge to find her a man.  Marge later relays the request to Homer, who reluctantly agrees to do so.  The next day, Homer looks around work trying to find suitable candidates, Terminator-style, but whether that person is too handsome, a jerk, not a man or just a sign, Homer is unable to find anyone.

Meanwhile, Bart gets his hands on some sodium tetrasulfate, which he learns kills grass, and uses it to print a large "BART" on the grass.  After getting in trouble from Principal Skinner, Bart is forced to call Homer.  While not looking forward to hearing what Bart did now, Homer takes a moment to 'analyze' Skinner and determines he'll work out and invites him to dinner.

That night, Selma gets butterflies and finds herself unable to approach Skinner.  Ultimately, its Patty that Skinner sets his eyes on first, and immediately falls in love with her.  He takes no time to invite her to a date, which Selma forces her to agree to on the grounds that at least one of them has a chance to not be lonely.  The night turns out terribly, though Skinner's stern demeanor towards former students who've washed up impresses Patty.  She invites Skinner to further meetups.  Meanwhile, high on love, Skinner lets the school fall into anarchy, particularly letting Bart roam free and unpunished as he goes to the boy for help with Patty.

It comes to a head when Selma learns that Skinner is going to propose to Patty.  Feeling desperate, Selma agrees to go on a date with Homer's next candidate for a date: the ever-lovable Barney Gumble.  Seeing this, Patty is troubled, even more so when Skinner proposes to her (using the same trick Bart did with the sodium tetrasulfate) in the school's bell tower which magically appears for this episodes and magically disappears thereafter.  Patty rejects, however, as because she and Selma are twins, they share a close bond that no marriage could ever be able to break (never mind that Selma marries several times in later episodes).  Skinner understands, and the two agree to break up.

While Patty and Selma reconcile (allowing Selma to hastily end her "date" with Barney), Skinner realizes what has become of the school during the time he was distracted.  He vows to get the school back under his control, and does so the next day by finally punishing Bart by having him re-sow the entire field.

Quick Review
Principal Charming is the first of what turns out to be many episodes chronicling Selma Bouvier's attempts to avoid loneliness.  Unlike other episodes later on, this episodes does not have Selma hooking up with whoever will have her, instead its her sister Patty that gets into a relationship.  Even still, it establishes a character trait of Selma's that will be revisited time and time... and time again.

The episode introduces Groundskeeper Willy, the irritable Scotsman who is the school's custodian and, well, groundskeeper.  It also introduces, briefly, the ever blind and feeble Hans Moleman.  That little bit of history out of the way, the episode itself was solid, a few unenjoyable moments here and there but there were some good parts as well.  The entire sequence where Homer searches for a man Terminator-style was the best part of the episode, but the laughs slow down a bit as the focus shifts to the twins again.  Its a good episode though not one of Season 2's best.

Final Score: 7.7