The Great Phatsby (S28, E12-608 & E13-609)

Note: The Great Phatsby is the first hour-long "episode" in the series.  However, for all intents and purposes, its actually two episodes and, as far as I know, its officially counted as the 12th and 13th episodes of the season.  Regardless, I'm doing episode reviews for both parts on this single page.  They were basically the same in terms of quality, anyway.  With that...

The Great Phatsby: Part One

Goosius, more like Goofsius, a-am I-I r-right?  *panicked sweat*

Plot Summary
Mr. Burns longs for the days where he led and hosted lavish, fun parties with his fellow rich socialites.  He attempts to do so again, tasking Smithers to acquire ice but only from the darkest corners of Canada.  Before he departs, Smithers tasks Homer to hand out invitations to Springfield's best but he hands them out randomly.  Not that it matters, as Burns hosts a poor excuse of a party with antiquated rules and an antiquated band.  As the guests leave out of boredom, Homer is the only one that remains to comfort a depressed Burns. 

Homer and Burns, however, notice a big party happening across the lake: a rap mogul party.  The two find the host: Jay-G who owes his success and ruthlessness to a book Burns wrote long ago about ruthlessness as well as a pet goose who acts as a living symbol for his entire line: Goosius.  As Mr. Burns is basically his idol and mentor, Jay-G befriends him.  Convinced to use a top-of-the-line credit card Burns starts to spend his money freely and carelessly, feeling as though he's gone back to the glory days of his youth.

While this is happening, the other Simpsons hang out at the Hamptons near where Jay-G (and Burns, apparently) live.  As its basically rich-person town, Marge comes to learn that all of the shops are owned by the spouses of the rich who need something to do with their free time.  Lisa becomes disgusted by the son of one of the richest men in town, Blake, who is an utter douchebag.  However, Lisa's open disgust of him opens Blake up to "check his privilege" to impress her.  Lisa nearly is until another rich kid successfully entices Lisa with ponies and pony accessories, leaving Blake's humility unwarranted.

Burns' new lifestyle, complete with a posse (albeit its just Homer and his friends), comes to a crashing end when its learned the Burns literally spent all of his money on lavish purchases.  Homer then lets Burns know that Jay-G just released a music video basically admitting his plan to bankrupt Burns and take over all of his possessions, including the nuclear plant, leaving Burns in ruins.

The Great Phatsby: Part Two

Talk about ruthless...

Plot Summary
Torn between his 'loyalty' to Burns and working for Jay-G at the nuclear plant, Homer chooses the latter as dictated by Marge (who has haphazardly opened up a trinket shop in the Hamptons).  Jay-G, who now owns the plant and turned it into a dance party, attempts to secure Homer to his side with endless supplies of cobbler, but Homer regrets his decision.  Stumbling along, he finds Burns being weird at the mausoleum.  Homer renews his loyalty for Burns and together they decide to enact revenge on Jay-G.

With Bart along to help, its decided the best way to ruin Jay-G is to ruin his rep.  To do so, they learn that Jay-G burned many bridges during his ruthless rise to the top.  The two are able to get several rappers and an ex-wife to record a revenge album exposing Jay-G as a fraud.  During a big reveal party, however, its revealed that Jay-G literally re-bought the loyalty of all the rappers and the ex-wife, and that the drive containing the apparently only recording of the album is also in his possession.

Devastated by the decided defeat, Homer and Burns return to Marge's flailing shop to inform her of what's occurred.  With Marge finally free of her delusion of store ownership, Burns simply sulks until he realizes there's been a perfect revenge scheme all along.

Soon, he and Homer sneak into Jay-G's home to nab Goosius with the intent of cooking and eating him.  However, Homer doesn't have the heart to kill Goosius, leaving Burns to attempt to finish the act himself.  Jay-G attempts to stop him, the shenanigans of which leave the two hanging from a chandelier.  Here, Jay-G admits he only ruined Burns because in Burns' own book he wrote that one could only be truly ruthless if they were to destroy the "one who made you".  Burns suddenly feels pride that his legacy of ruthlessness will live on through Jay-G.

The two are still hanging onto the chandelier, but as it falls, Smithers returns with his ice, which has since melted into soft slush that Burns and Jay-G fall into.  Apparently, Jay-G returns Burns' possessions including the plant, but Burns has also learned some things as well, allowing a impromptu dance session at the plant but learns better of it almost immediately.

Double Review
Here are the things I liked about the episodes:

• Smithers' quest for ice.
• The entire Hamptons side story with Marge, including crazy shop sign man.
• Homer's narration.
• Most of the parts with just Homer.
• Bart's role in Part 2.

 Here are the things I didn't like about the episodes:

• Most of the rap stuff.  Sorry, it was a) boring and b) not funny.  Unfortunately, that makes up a lot of these two episodes.
• Lisa's sidestory with Blake.
• The guest voices were mostly dull or pointless, for instance Charles Barkley's entire contribution was "Still better than Shaq!", I mean, why even bother?
• The part in, uh, Part 2, when the revenge group betrayed Burns, where Jay-G and his new sold out gang appear to Burns as holograms, like this isn't goddamn Star Trek why didn't they just show up at the thing?

Part 2, I felt, tried more with the jokes, albeit there were more misses than in Part 1.  Part 1 was dull in several spots, like when Homer and Burns were wading through Jay-G's party and the entire thing with Blake wasn't very good either.  I think the episodes would've fared better if, in Part 1, the Blake stuff was gone and the stuff with Jay-G was funnier.  Part 2 would've been better if the entire middle portion wasn't the "guest voice" segment that basically brought the whole thing down.  The first acts of both parts were the best things going for each.

So, overall, these two episodes fared about the same, and about on average for your Season 28 / Zombie Simpsons episode.  Given the pomp and circumstance of it being an episode so grand you needed a whole hour to get through it, though, its certainly underwhelming even with the lessened expectations of this era of Simpsons.

Part 1 Final Score: 6.4
Part 2 Final Score: 6.6
Combined Final Score: 6.5

Friends and Family (S28, E02-598)

There's a fatal flaw here: the chopped peanut shells just get into the couch, anyway.

Plot Summary
Mr. Burns' psychiatrist, just before his untimely death, chastises Monty for never even being interested in having a family.  During the psychiatrist's funeral, Mr. Burns' "eulogy" was terrible enough to force him and Smithers to flee.  As they do so, they run over Professor Frink, who was in the middle of trying out his own VR technology.  Burns finds the technology intriguing and basically takes it as Frink receives medical attention.

Later, as Burns bores himself with fantasy video games and porn, not mutually exclusive, Smithers suggests Burns takes up the suggestion of the late psychiatrist and start up a family - a virtual family anyway.  Burns holds open tryouts for such a family - minus any father figure as Burns will be filling that role himself.  Ultimately, the Simpson family, forced to try out as Homer works at the plant, is chosen.  Initially, the family sans Homer stay over to do motion capture for simple scenes, but Burns likes the simulation enough to strengthen the family's contract, including living full time in the Burns mansion - essentially leaving Homer to live by himself.

Although Homer is initially reluctant, once he realizes he can do anything he wants at home, Homer starts to have a blast.  Soon, he befriends Julia, a neighbor who lives in the house behind his.  With many similar interests, the two hit it off right away, though both are fully fine with the relationship remaining platonic.

Eventually, Burns grows tired of dealing with his virtual family not being perfect (such as Bart being a Harvard man of all the devilish things), and fires the Simpson family.  When they return home, Marge overhears Homer talking to Julia and starts to go off on him, but Julia comes in conveniently and explains herself to Marge, calming her down.  Burns runs one final program with his virtual family where he dies and goes to hell, even though the headset isn't plugged in.  The episode ends a few years later where it predicts everyone will be wearing VR headsets and making fools of themselves.

Quick Review
The only really funny parts of this episode were: the family was arguing so much that when Maggie finally talks, she gets so offended over not being noticed she decides to never talk again, and the montage of Homer enjoying his time by himself.

Nothing else about the episode was funny.

This episode combines two things I do not enjoy about the series: referencing current events from over a year ago (lucky for the writers that VR is still relevant), and boring marriage episode, which the episode sneaks in at the end because how else are they going to resolve the "Homer makes a female friend who'll never seriously appear again" plot?

The entirety of Burns' VR plot was boring, and the segments with Julia were only slightly better.  Overall, the episode, while not completely awful, is not worth a watch regardless.

Final Score: 5.8

Monty Burns' Fleeing Circus (S28, E01-597)

Skinner: Attention, an old man is prowling the school
looking for young children, please perform for him.

Plot Summary
The town is stunned when it learns that the Lard Lad statue has mysteriously vanished.  The company installs a new, 'modern' one, whose donut is apparently concave enough to reflect the sun's rays into a death beam, destroying nearly the entire town.  With the town still in shambles six months later, the Simpsons decide to plea with the rich Mr. Burns.  Burns is unwilling but when an old memory stills in him, he is compelled to help with the stipulation that the rebuild focuses on the old Springfield Bowl (an outdoor performance hall), so that he can host a children's performance there.

As Burns rallies up children to be part of his show, including hiring Lisa to be his assistant, memories of a show that he did as a child begin to haunt him.  Ultimately, Lisa triggers one memory too much and Burns cancels the show as a result.

Meanwhile, with Burns preoccupied, the workers at the nuclear plant decide to turn their workplace into a permanent party zone.  Marge expresses her concerns with Homer - who is the plant's lone safety inspector, mind you -  causing Homer to relent and refocus his efforts then on getting the plant back on track.

Later, Lisa presses Burns on his actions, but Smithers shows Lisa what really is getting at Burns.  When Burns was a child, he was entered into a children show similar to the one he's in now, but during his performance his clothes unfurled and his bare butt laid out for all to see.  The ensuing embarrassment and laughter haunts Burns to this day, but Lisa convinces Burns to go through with his new show to get back at those who laughed at him, somewhat.

Burns' show ends up going well, and even gets a surprise fireworks show thanks to Homer's inability to control things at the plant and allowing popcorn to pop just too much in the plant's core.  However, Burns isn't done, and ends the show with the same routine he did as a kid - little sailor's suit and all.  It goes just as poorly - little butt baring and all.  Still, somehow, Burns is no longer haunted by the past and thanks Lisa for her help, I guess?

Quick Review
This was a bland, boring episode.  Yeah, a few decent jokes here and there (and some that missed the mark) but not nearly enough to salvage things.  The sideplot with the nuclear plant was the episode's strong point as the main plot with Burns (and Lisa, who tends to drag things whenever she's the focus as we're all mostly aware of now) wasn't good.  The Adventure Time homage couch gag was cringey as well.  Season 28 is off to a poor start.

Final Score: 6.1

Opposites A-Frack (S26, E05-557)

This scene implies their emotions while they were having sex.  Thanks, I guess.

Plot Summary
Marge's sisters come to stay at the house as they returned from vacation early and their apartment is still being cleaned of black moss.  Homer is not ready to deal with this, but quickly realizes an out: he sees his kids coughing as his sisters-in-law smoke near them and makes the valid assertion that the two must either stop smoking in the house or be kicked out for the sake of the children.  The two agree, and Homer - knowing the two will break at some point - installs smoke alarms everywhere to stop the two from smoking in secret.  What's worse, its raining outside and electronic cigarettes just don't cut it for them.  The two find apparent salvation, however, when they see the bathroom has no smoke alarms.  The two rush in and lock the door and make every effort to avoid being caught, including turning on the faucet to muffle noise.  However, when they ignite their lighter, the bathroom explodes, and the two are caught.  As Homer sends the two to where smokers like them belong - the dog racing track - Marge and Lisa notice that the water is literally on fire.

Lisa quickly investigates that this is likely the result of "fracking", a controversial method of mining for natural gas that has the adverse side effect of polluting water supplies with the gas.  Bart and Lisa locate a suspicious building nearby that's masquerading as a women's basketball hall of fame that's actually a fracking operation run by Mr. Burns.  As he quickly shoos the two away, Lisa decides to call upon one of her liberal heroes in congress that she hopes will put the fracking operation to an end: Maxine Lombard, a democratic assemblywoman (voiced by Jane Fonda).  Quickly, Maxine stages a hearing against Burns for the fracking operation and orders it shut down.  Angered, Burns confronts Maxine in her office, when suddenly their passions overlap and the two just have sex right there in the office.

The two realize they enjoy each other's, hm, "company", but business is business and Burns needs to get the fracking operation back up.  He learns that he can do so if he can have the mineral rights of the land signed over to him by every resident in the area, and calls upon the likable Homer to convince everyone to do so.  Burns also asks Homer for relationship advice, and Homer notes that if she's getting in the way of his business priorities then perhaps he should harden his heart and move on.  Meanwhile, nobody is particularly willing to sign it over, until Homer points out that Mr. Burns will give each person $5000 to do it, at which point everyone signs over their rights... except for Marge who remains against the operation because she literally saw her water on fire.  With her support unobtainable, the measure is lost and Burns' operation can not continue.  Maxine comes to gloat while presenting him another opportunity to "fool around", but an angry, hardened Burns casts her aside and declares their "relationship" over.

Homer is similarly upset with Marge over ruining his newfound career as a propagandist (even though the water was actually on fire), and goes to hang out with Burns to talk about their relatively similar romantic situations.  Just then, Burns' mansions starts to get torn down as part of a revenge-related redevelopment project that plans to turn the mansion into several pro-liberal projects at once.  Further angered, Burns takes Homer back to the fracking base and immediately resumes the operation, much more severely than before.  Marge convinces Homer to stop following Burns by once again reminding him their water was literally on fire, and Homer uses this to his advantage by igniting hose water to melt and destroy the fracking apparatus.  His operation ruined, Burns is aghast that Homer has made up with Marge despite there being nothing in common between them.  Maxine - who is probably a bit forgiving considering she won - convinces Burns that love continues on their sheer passion, which the two of them still have.  Some time later, the two are in bed talking about mundane things, their passion gone but they remain a couple.

Quick Review
This episode fared a lot better than what I was expecting.  Let's review: the writer had written three previous episodes, all of which I found to be awful episodes.  Season 26 has gotten off to a poor start as well, and worse yet this episode was rife with political commentary and jokes.  That all could've easily combined to make yet another disastrous episode.

Thankfully, that wasn't the case.  The opening act with Patty and Selma was excellent and put the episode on the right foot, and the political jokes weren't too bad, and Lisa was less annoying than she usually is in these kinds of episodes.  Overall, I can say this episode wasn't bad, somehow.

Final Score: 7.3

The Fool Monty (S22, E06-470)

Bad to the goddamn bone.

Plot Summary
The media releases a virus they've been hiding for awhile just so that they spend all day and night 'reporting it'.  A panic about the so-called "cat virus" goes around in Springfield, but a small supply of vaccine is made to combat it.  Unfortunately for everyone, Mr. Burns just drives on in (well, technically, Smithers is doing the driving), takes a large batch of vaccines, then runs over the rest.  Later, Burns' doctor administers the vaccine, but still has bad news for the old man: he's only got six weeks to live.  Burns decides to host a massive gala to deliver the news, but once he delivers it, the crowd erupts in joy over Burns' incoming demise.  A short time later, Burns wants to go out on his terms, and with Smithers witnessing, jumps off a cliff to his death.

However, Burns survives by falling onto the front of a plane, getting knocked into the woods where the trees break the rest of his fall.  The next morning, Bart finds Burns who has some pretty severe amnesia.  The old man can barely even function and has a Ralph-like demeanor.  Bart tries to ignore it, as its a little too weird even for him, but Burns is so helpless he decides to take him home.  Meanwhile, Smithers gets a new job being the assistant of Dick Chaney, who is basically a younger, more trendy Burns.  Bart tries to hide Burns from everyone, but as the family watches Burns' funeral on TV, Burns walks in on them before Bart can stop him.  Homer is more than willing to exact some vengeance on the old man, but Marge insists Burns be taken to the town's leaders.  However, they also agree on vengeance, despite Lisa's attempts to stop them.  A plan is set up where each townsperson gets half an hour with Burns at a time to mess with him anyway they'd like.  Sure enough, Springfield knows how to exact vengeance, especially Homer.  He gets another go at Burns, but he's worn out from vengeance, so Lisa spends the 30 minutes with Burns, taking him to his now foreclosed manor to show he's still become a better man.  However, seeing a portrait of his old self reawakens Burns, well, older self, and much to Lisa's dismay Burns regains his memory.

After retrieving Smithers from Cheney, Burns arrives in town on a helicopter to enact some revenge of his own: putting a giant glass dome over the town.  However, that's been done before, and putting a glass cube over the town is no different.  Marge tries to convince Burns that, hey, its six weeks later and he's still alive, and therefore the time he's spend being nice to people is what helped him survive.  Burns tries to confirm this by being nice to Ralph, but nearly dies in the process.  Quickly, Burns learns that by being mean, he builds up enough bile to survive practically anything, and flies off triumphant, though Nelson had bonded with Burns during his half hour with him previously and forces him to attend a play Nelson has a part in.

Quick Review
This episode had some potential, what with the town being able to get vengeance on an mentally ill Burns and all, but it was somewhat unrealized as the episode lost some steam once Burns got his memory back.

Final Score: 7.0

American History X-cellent (S21, E17-458)

Here we go again, making a parody of another movie while forgetting to make it funny.

Plot Summary
In prison, three guards go to retrieve a prisoner: Mr. Burns.  Burns then narrates how this situation came to be, going back to when he forces his employees to give him a decent 4th of July party.  Homer, Lenny and Carl can't deal with Burns' tyranny so while they're at Burns' manor for the party the three sneak into Burns' wine cellar and get drunk on top-notch wine.  The three make their way into an art room where they make a mess.  The cops are called in, where Lou notices one of the paintings is stolen, and Burns is arrested for grand theft.

Burns goes to prison for his misdeed, and he gives control of the plant to Smithers, who decides to be a much nicer boss than Burns was.  He even goes out to have a drink with Homer, Lenny and Carl but when Smithers goes out to take a call, he hears the three making fun of his generous nature behind his back.  Smithers turns sour on the three of them, losing faith in humanity in the process, and works the three of them like dogs.  They get tired of this and decide to bust Burns out of prison, because even he'd be better than Smithers at this point.  Burns, in the meantime, is met by a large, The Green Mile-like cellmate who cleanses Burns of his evil and makes him a born-again Christian.

Meanwhile, Bart is asked by Marge to spend time with Lisa, who is working on an ant farm.  Bart tries to help out, but the ant farm is ultimately shattered as the two bicker over it and the dog swoops in to eat every ant that comes out, save one.  The two team up to take special care of the final ant, but they realize its final days are near, and let it loose outside, but the dog comes to eat that one up as well.

Homer, Lenny and Carl disguise themselves as guards somehow and enter the prison to retrieve Burns, who now isn't willing to leave the prison.  His cellmate tries to stop them as well, but Burns reveals not all of his evil was purged during the cleansing and he now wants to leave with the others.  So, Burns take back the plant from Smithers and he wonders what poor soul his old cellmate is trying to convert now.

Quick Review
This episode has some moments, but overall its nothing special.  The sidestory with Bart and Lisa was particularly unnoteworthy and given how short it is, it seemed pretty unnecessary to have at all.  The episode is at its best when Smithers takes over the plant, but even then the comedy is limited.

Final Score: 6.8

Fraudcast News (S15, E22-335)

Pictured: the cruelest display of slander in the history of media.

Plot Summary
Geezer Rock is a cliffside in Springfield that looks like an old man thanks to natural erosion.  A day is set to establish it as a national monument; the Simpsons attend as does Mr. Burns.  Lisa has a poem written for the occasion that she's been given the okay to read to the audience there, while Homer spots a small tree spouting from the rock that Homer reasons would hurt tourism if allowed to grow.  Homer sneaks away to remove the tree, but collapses the rock in the process.  As everyone is fleeing, the falling rocks land over Mr. Burns, and Smithers is unable to free him, believing him dead.

A short time later, Lisa is dejected that she wasn't able to read her poem, but Marge suggests Lisa publish the poem (now an elegy) herself.  Meanwhile, Smithers is shocked to see Mr. Burns alive, having escaped death by the narrowest of margins.  As Burns recovers from the ordeal, not having informed anyone else of his survival, he checks the news to see how his death is being handled.  To his surprise, the news is treated Burns' death with joy, joy that old man Burns had died.  Angered by the apparent lack of love by both the media and the people who consume it, Burns decides on a strategy to counter this: buy all the media in town, including TV, radio and newspaper.

Lisa publishes her first paper, The Red Dress Press, which includes her elegy, and its a smashing success, so she decides to continue the paper, bringing in various other kids to help out.  Lisa quickly notices Burns' scheme and decides to use the paper to combat Burns and remain the last independent media source in town.  Burns attempts to 'buy' Lisa with several ponies, but Lisa is able to resists, sparking a full out war between the two.  Several consecutive hit-and-run attempts by Burns' goons forces all of Lisa's helpers to leave the paper, but she and Bart preservere and continue on.  Burns then cuts the power from the Simpson house, preventing Lisa from using her paper-making tools.  However, Principal Skinner comes to Lisa's aid: providing her with a mimeograph which allows her to make copies of her paper without the need for electricity.  Further angered by Lisa's continued resistance, Burns grabs a hold of Homer and drugs him in order to grab dirt about Lisa, particularly that Milhouse likes her.  Burns puts these tidbits out into the news, and Lisa is devastated.  Unwilling to continue, Lisa prints her final paper in tears.  Homer takes this to heart, and decides to help out.

The next day, Lisa finds a paper on her front door: The Homer Times.  Not only has Homer started publishing his own paper, but so has nearly everybody else in town, having been inspired by either Lisa or Homer to do so.  Burns admits defeat, being unable to control all media in town, and takes his mind off the failure by going on a shopping spree.

Quick Review
Another okay episode, an rather mild way to end Season 15.  The focus on Mr. Burns helps the episode counteract the focus on Lisa, creating an episode that's not that bad, but not all that great.  The jokes that were present were fine, just not in huge quantity.

Final Score: 7.5

A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love (S13, E04-273)

Its also plausible for a woman to not care about a guy bringing along another guy for every date.

Plot Summary
The Simpsons eat at a Chinese restaurant, where Homer is displeased over how lame and generic the fortune cookie fortunes are.  He's able to come up with much better material on the spot, and so he's hired by the restaurant to come up with fortunes.

A short time later, Mr. Burns orders some Chinese to go, apparently from the same restaurant.  He reads his fortune: "You will find love on Flag Day."  With it currently being Flag Day, Burns quickly drags Smithers along to quickly find a woman to fall in love with.  However, all the socialites his age are taken up by either Rich Uncle Pennybags or Scrooge McDuck, and the strip clubs are a little too wild for him as well.  On the way back to his car, park across the street because why not, he falls in love with the policewoman who is writing up his ticket.  With Flag Day seconds away from ending, he's able to convince the woman, Gloria, to go out with him, though she might've agreed out of pity.

After a day at a carnival where nothing went wrong, Burns attempts to ask Gloria out on a second date, but Gloria is about to decline and go on with her life.  Desperate, Burns gets Homer, who was coincidentally nearby, and has Homer help him convince Gloria that Burns is worthwhile, somehow succeeding.  They go to a disco for a second date, with Homer coming along to help out.  At the date's conclusion, Burns is able to convince Gloria to make love to him.  To make up for the fact that he's an old man, Burns had acquired an extremely potent and rare aphrodisiac that works, well, good enough for Gloria to fall in love with him, anyway.  Burns and Gloria go on several more dates with Homer tagging along to keep Burns looking hip and cool.

At a bowling alley, Burns decides to propose to Gloria, and she accepts.  As Burns goes off gleefully to get champagne, believing that nothing can ruin this day, Snake walks into the bowling alley looking to rob it.  He recognizes Gloria, who was his old girlfriend (the part where she's a police officer is apparently no longer a thing).  As Gloria rebukes Snake's attempts to get back with him, Snake just ups and grabs Gloria - as well as Homer who tried poorly to stop him.  Gloria drops her engagement ring, and when Burns returns to find only the ring and nobody else, he believes Homer and Gloria ditched Burns.

Snake has Homer drive the three of them to his hideout out in the countryside, where Snake ties the two up in chairs.  Cletus witnesses this, and reports it to the police who have been helping Burns with his search.  They arrive along with the Simpson family to the hideout.  Snake's attempts to win back Gloria by beating up Homer haven't been working, and as the two bicker, Homer attempts to free himself by burning his rope on a furnace.  This plan literally backfires, and Homer ends up burning up the entire house.  Homer and Snake run out in time, but Gloria is still trapped inside.  Burns musters up both courage and strength and is able to enter the house to free Gloria, though its Gloria that comes outside holding Burns.  The two are reunited, but as Gloria attempts to explain to Burns how over Snake she is, she falls in love with Snake anyway, and ends the engagement.  Burns is flabbergasted, and the Simpson family attempts to console him.

Quick Review
I'm probably thinking about the oddities of this episode a bit too much.  I mean, I guess its somewhat plausible for a police officer to be in love with a criminal, even if he's still committing crimes.  Its probably plausible for a man over the age of 100 to be good in bed thanks to a super rare aphrodisiac.  Its could even be plausible for a woman to spend a third of an episode being completely over a criminal but then swoon for him at the very end on what seems like a whim even though her old man fiancee just rescued her.

Still, all these possible plausibilities hurt my enjoyment of what wasn't going to be a great episode anyway.  The jokes weren't all the plentiful and, as I've said, the plot of the episode leaves a lot to be desired.  This is rare instance when an episode focused on Mr. Burns actually doesn't pan out so well.

Final Score: 6.6

Monty Can't Buy Me Love (S10, E21-224)

The heroic tale of Burns' victory shall never be known.

Plot Summary
The Simpson family, during a walk, stumble upon a grand opening of a Fortune Megastore.  The owner, Arthur Fortune, is one of those fun-loving billionaire types who is more than willing to do big deeds and throw out money to people.  Mr. Burns catches wind of this and becomes somewhat jealous of Fortune's popularity.  Wanting to bask in the spotlight, Burns decides to enlist Homer's help.

Their first idea, throwing out silver dollars to people, goes less than well.  Burns then tries to have Homer hand over a generous donation to a hospital, however the hospitals mistakes it as being Homer's donation and dedicates a wing to him instead of Burns.  He then decides to make himself known on a popular radio program, though Bart tells him to try out a program that's the equivalent of Howard Stern.  After that ploy goes predictably bad, Burns is about to give up.  Homer tells him that Fortune has done another incredible things (getting two male pandas to successfully breed).  Realizing that people love the big theatrics, Burns decides to do one more plan: capture the Loch Ness monster.

The two, alongside Groundskeeper Willie and Professor Frink (who was kidnapped), form a team to capture the beast.  After attempts to locate the beast in the related lake fail, Burns has the lake drained, revealing the beast.  After an epic battle that occurs offscreen, Burns captures the Loch Ness monster.

Back in Springfield, Burns reveals the monster to the masses.  However, as the crowd shoots off flash after flash of pictures, Burns becomes delirious, unable to handle the bright lights and fame.  He goes out of control, accidentally causing chaos and losing his newfound popularity in the process.  Afterwards, Homer helps Burns remember that it takes a lot of work to be popular, and that it isn't worth it.  Burns then finds a job in Vegas for the Loch Ness monster.

Quick Review
Another solid episode in the latter end of Season 10.  I've said this before, but its hard to mess up episodes focused on Mr. Burns, and this episode is no exception.  The Loch Ness portion of the story seems kinda out of place, but I didn't mind it too much (not as much as the Vegas ending, anyway).

Final Score: 8.2

The Old Man and the Lisa (S08, E21-174)

Does anybody even call it Catsup anymore unless they're trying to imply its low quality?

Plot Summary
Lisa is part of a recycling group at school, trying to gather enough recyclables to earn a trip to Albany.  Principal Skinner brings in Mr. Burns as a guest speaker to talk about business decisions, however when Lisa confronts Burns about him not knowing what recycling even is, Mr. Burns realizes that he has less money than he believed.  Later, he checks his stocks for the first time in decades, and learns that, well, they aren't doing so well.  Surrounded by yes men who refuse to tell Burns he's making any mistakes, Burns tries a new investment strategy that may have had trouble working back in the 1920s, much less today.  Quickly, Burns goes broke, realizing too late he had been given advice by said yes men.  With the bank having repossessed both the plant and his home, Burns is left with no choice but to take his leave.

As the bank chooses Lenny to run the plant, Burns starts living with Smithers.  Looking to earn his keep, Burns goes shopping after Smithers goes to the plant.  A couple of clerks there notice Burns struggling to accomplish tasks, and decide to admit the seemingly senile Burns to the retirement home.

Meanwhile, the school's recycling efforts come to an abrupt end when they get back way less money than they were expecting for their efforts.  Still, Lisa attempts to recycle whenever possible.  She goes to the retirement home to get some more recyclables, where Mr. Burns overhears her voice.  Burns tasks Lisa with helping him get back on his feet, and Lisa agrees on the condition that Burns climb back doing nothing but honest work (nothing evil!).  The two agree, and Lisa starts Burns on basic recycling.

Slowly but surely, Burns is able to scourge the town for cans, bottles and paper and makes a marginal profit from doing so.  He's able to get the other seniors at the retirement home to help out as well.  As Lisa is helping him out, she is entitled to 10% of his profits and Lisa starts to believe Burns truly has changed for the better.  Burns does so well, he's able to open up a recycling factory named after Lisa.  At first Lisa is impressed with everything Burns has done, but at the back of the factory is something she isn't prepared for: taking a cue from the 'fish getting stuck in a six-pack holder' example Lisa gave him earlier, Burns has created an 'omni-net' of six-pack holders over the sea, which is able to pull in a large quantity of marine life.  Said life is then cremated into an all-purpose slurry.  This action disgusts Lisa, who realizes that Burns is still committing 'evil' even when he doesn't realize he is.  She tries to go around town to stop people from recycling, as it now helps Burns, but they've been too brainwashed by Lisa's previous efforts and continue to recycle promptly.

A short time later, Burns goes over to the Simpsons place to announce that he has sold the recycling plant for $120 million to a fishstick company, and he's repurchased the nuclear plant (thus ending Lenny's reign of terror).  As Burns' partner, Lisa is entitled to 10% of that profit.  However, knowing what Burns did with that plant, Lisa finds herself unable to accept that money.  Homer has four simultaneous heart attacks from the incident, and things only get worse from there when a recovering Homer realizes that 10% of $120 million is far, far more than $12,000.

Quick Review
Mr. Burns episodes are usually excellent watches.  Lisa-centric episodes are... less so.  Usually.  An episode where Burns' inability to adapt to modern times combine with Lisa's attempts to get people to care about modern issues turns into another fine episode, a continuing beacon of Season 8's high quality.  Burns' character goes through several changes in the episode which is handled very well, and the end of the episode is hilariously dark.

Final Score: 9.1

Burns, Baby Burns (S08, E04-157)

Nothing like a party to end an episode.

Plot Summary
As the Yale alumnus Mr. Burns returns from a Harvard-Yale football game, the train is forced to stop momentarily.  Nearby, the owner of a souvenir shop takes advantage of the opportunity to peddle his wares.  When he sees Burns in a car, he's stunned, as he also has in his possession an old photo of Burns.  As the train starts moving again, the man learns where the train is headed.

As the Simpsons return home from a day at a Cider Mill, they find the man trying to hitchhike and, after some lengthy debating, go back to pick him up and drop him off at Burns' estate.  There, the man, Larry, reveals to Mr. Burns that he's the old man's son.  Burns recalls that in 1939, he attended a 25th year reunion for Yale graduates, where he found himself infatuated with the 21 year old daughter of one of his old peers.  The two get intimate in a hurry, and soon Larry is born, though the scandal that followed forced the woman to give up Larry to an orphanage and shipped her to a convent in the south seas.  Either way, it seems at first Mr. Burns are Larry are glad to of found each other.

Soon, Mr. Burns gives Larry a job at the plant, in the same room as Homer no less, where the two find they have a lot in common.  That night, Mr. Burns takes Larry to a social function, but Larry's uncouth behavior serves only as embarrassment for Burns.  In an attempt to right Larry's social ineptitudes, Burns tries to get Larry admitted to Yale, but Larry did so bad, Burns would have to 'donate' an international airport to get Larry in.  Furious, Burns finally vents on Larry at dinner (which Larry invited Homer to).  Though Larry initially admits his mistakes and is willing to fix them and make himself a better man, he eventually goes with Homer's idea to win Burns' love: a fake kidnapping.

Holing himself, Larry, and most of the living room in the basement, Homer attempts to convince Burns to show a token of love to Larry, but isn't able to.  Marge eventually picks up on the scheme, and forces the two to go back to Burns despite the police on the lookout for the kidnapper.  Sure enough, their trail is quickly picked up, and they find a place to hide in a movie theater showing a rather unpopular movie.  After being rude to the only other person in the theater, he calls the police on them, setting up a standoff.  Eventually, Homer is spotted and the police ready their guns, but Larry steps in to reveal the phony plot.  Burns is about to give him another scolding, but Homer steps in to tell Burns that even though his children can annoy him sometimes, they can still count on his unconditional love.  Despite those words, Burns still can't find it within himself to 'love' Larry, but Larry shakes it off, as he does have a family of his own as well, and starts up an impromptu party for the hell of it.

Quick Review
A good episode throughout, the late Rodney Dangerfield as Larry Burns was an excellent casting choice, and his lines and dialogue were all well done.  The phony kidnapping bit in the later part of the episode was also well done, as were a few parts when the family was at the cider mill.

Final Score: 8.6

Burns' Heir (S05, E18-099)

A typical scene during production of a Season 24 episode.

Plot Summary
A near death experience leaves Mr. Burns pondering about the future of his fortunes.  With no son (not until Season 8 anyway), and plans to bury Smithers alive with him, Burns has nobody to give his fortune to upon his passing.  He decides to have contest to determine an heir, inviting all of Springfield's young boys to try out.  At the tryouts, only Nelson gains any favor with Burns, while Bart, reading from a card Homer of all people wrote, provides the worst entry yet, forcing Burns to kick everyone out, literally doing so with Bart using a mechanical boot to do the kicking.  Angry, Bart separates from the family afterward and begins throwing rocks at the mansion.  Impressed with Bart's mischievous behavior, Burns declares Bart to be his heir.

After finishing up the legal matters at the Simpsons place, Burns portrays himself as lonely and sad, prompting Marge to suggest that Bart spend an evening with Burns.  Burns is able to win Bart over by letting the boy do whatever he wants, an attitude he tries to bring home.  When Homer gets mad at Bart for giving the end piece of some meatloaf to the dog, Bart runs off to Burns, and upon trying to retrieve him Burns counters by locking the door (or sending out a robotic Richard Simmons that goes haywire, whichever one you prefer).

Attempts to legally regain Bart prove worthless when Lionel Hutz is unable to disprove that Burns is Bart's biological father in court.  Homer and Marge hire a guy to kidnap and "deprogram" Bart, but instead brainwashes Hans Moleman.  Bart, meanwhile, begins to regret his choice to stay with Burns, until Burns shows him video of the Simpsons having completely gotten over Bart (which is actually just actors portraying Lisa, Marge and Homer somewhat poorly i.e. "B'oh!" and later "D - oh!").  Bart begins to accept that Burns has become his new father.

Later, at the plant, Burns decides it would be a fun time if he and Bart fire some employees.  After Burns sends Lenny into a seemingly bottomless pit, he has Bart try to do the same for Homer.  However, Bart finds that he can't fire Homer, and "fires" Burns instead, tricking him to fall into that same pit (with Smithers advising Burns to land on Lenny's carcass).  Back home, Homer tells Bart about the actors, as they spent time with the actual family for their one part, and also introduces his new brother Hans Moleman.

Quick Review
Burns' Heir is one of Season 5's better episode.  There are lot of classic moments, like the Mr. Kurns bit, or the confrontation at the mansion and the actors portraying the Simpsons.  It all makes for a very funny episode.

Final Score: 9.4

Rosebud (S05, E04-085)

"Mmmm... 64 slices of American cheese..."

It was his sled.

Plot Summary
Mr. Burns has a dream one night - perhaps a nightmare - where he remembers his time as a young child, playing with his beloved teddy bear Bobo, when suddenly a "twisted, loveless billionaire" pulls up and offers "Happy" Burns a chance to live with him instead of his natural, seemingly poor parents.  The choice is obvious, and the young lad goes off with the billionaire, leaving behind his bear, his parents and his brother George Burns.

The memory of Bobo depresses Burns in the current day, leading up to his next birthday.  Homer is chosen to be a stand up comic at the mandatory party (as Burns noticed people laughing at his antics, though they were just laughing at Homer having coat hangers stuck in his back and ass).  With Burns already despondent over the bear, Homer's crude attempts at a roast only anger him further.  Homer gets conked on the head, and the party is violently ended.

As Marge asks Bart to get a bag of ice for Homer's head, we see the journey of Bobo the bear since Burns let him go.  Melting snow allows it to access a river, and it flows right into the hands of Charles Lindbergh just before his flight over the Atlantic in 1927.  Upon reaching Paris, he throws the bear in celebration, right into the hands of Adolf Hitler.  In 1945, in the days leading up to his death, Hitler blames the bear for what has happened, and tosses it aside.  Apparently its picked up by American forces, as in 1957 its ontop an American submarine... as it submerges near the north pole.  It freezes at that point, and in 1993 the present day its recovered by men mining for ice (not aware of other methods to acquire ice).  They aren't aware the bear is in its shipment, and it ends up in a bag of ice at the Kwik-E-Mart, which Bart purchases.  Finding the bear, which is now worn and damaged, he just gives it to Maggie, who quickly cherishes it.

Burns makes the search for his bear public, and Homer (eventually) realizes that Maggie has possession of it.  The family agrees to give the bear to Burns in exchange for some good money, but when Homer tries to take the bear from Maggie, she refuses, and starts crying once Homer succeeds in giving Burns the bear.  Not willing to see Maggie so sad, Homer cancels the deal, giving Maggie Bobo back and earning Burns' wrath.  After a pair of attempts to steal the bear fail miserably, Burns decides to just make Homer's life miserable.  Soon, he takes control of all of Springfield's TV and prevents any alcohol from entering town in hopes to not just break Homer, but the rest of the TV-and-beer-loving town as well.  Sure enough, an angry mob breaks into the Simpsons house to grab the bear for Burns but, much like Homer before them, are quickly disgusted with themselves when they realize they just stole from a baby, and give Maggie the bear back.

With that plan having failed, Burns has Smithers beg for the bear, but Homer reiterates that its Maggie's bear.  Frustrated, Burns goes to Maggie herself to get the bear, being unable to rip it from Maggie's grasp.  Defeated, Burns finally allows Maggie to keep it under the promise that she not lose it like he did, but in an act of kindness Maggie decides to let Burns have Bobo after all (with the family now receiving no financial reward, of course).  Happy, Burns promises to never lose Bobo again, until glimpses into the far future reveal that even as a head-in-a-jar cyborg he still loses the bear every century or so.

Quick Review
Rosebud is yet another excellent episode in a streak of many.  There were plenty of great moments in this episode, especially the bits when Burns and Smithers try to steal the bear (via a poorly readied zip line and then using suction cups in the ceiling only to be permanently stalled when Homer enters the kitchen to eat cheese all night), and that sitcom Burns and Smithers act out while Burns has control of TV.  It all pans out to be another superb entry to this season.

Final Score: 9.3

Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk (S03, E11-046)

You will never be giddy in the land of chocolate. ;_;

Plot Summary
Roughly translated as "Burns sells the power plant", the episode pretty much is about that.  Finding himself depressed, Burns wishes he had more time to do this and that, and laments that his work at the plant limits those opportunities.  Soon, rumors that Burns wants to sell the plant spread, with Smithers casually telling Homer that he believes Burns wouldn't sell it for less than $100 million.  Shortly thereafter, Homer gets a call from a "stockbroker", who gets Homer to agree to sell his stock for $25, even though the stock rises so much from the rumors that Homer could've gotten around $5000 instead, a mistake he and the family soon realize.

Before that point, though, Homer meets up with German investors interested in buying the plant at the bar (Homer having spent his $25 on fancy beer), and he tells them what he heard from Smithers: that Burns won't buy for less than $100 million.  Shocked yet determined, the next day the Germans give Burns that offer, which Burns happily accepts.  With the Germans taking over the plant, fear sets it as everyone at the plant worries they'll lose their job from the takeover.

The Germans, however, are quite friendly to the workers, and plan on having discussions with them all to determine who to lay off.  They also notice a few safety concerns thereabout, and with Homer's discussions with the Germans derailing into some kind of thing involving the land of chocolate, Homer ends up being the only one laid off.

Burns is enjoying his newfound freedom, and one night he and Smithers decide to take in local culture at Moe's.  Homer is there poorly trying to fend off depression, and when Burns tries to get friendly with Homer, Homer tells Burns off, reminding the old man that money won't love you back, etc. etc.  Alarmed that he is no longer feared, Burns is determined to repurchase the plant.  Meanwhile, the Germans have found that power plant to be a death trap with safety violations all over, with repair costs equalling about another $100 million.  Burns comes in just in time to repurchase the plant and, upon learning the Germans are desperate the sell, is able to buy the plant for only $50 million.  With the plant his again, Burns has Homer rehired, under the whole "keep your enemies closer" mantra, which suits Homer just fine.

Quick Review
Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk is a classic.  Tons of laughs to be had throughout, including the antics of the Germans, Burns, Homer, or even Bart in the latter portion where his prank call to Moe seems to of backfired when Marge asks him to go to Moe's to retrieve Homer.  The best part of the episode, and one of the classic moments of the series, is during Homer's talk with the Germans, where he brings up the candy machine in some vain attempt to save face, and the Germans reply "We understand Homer, after all, we come from the land of chocolate", and Homer on cue imagines himself within the land of chocolate, a sequence which takes up 10 minutes apparently.  That sequence pushes the episode over the top, and becomes the first "10" rated episode in the series.

Final Score: 10

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish (S02, E04-017)

Burns loses because of this, not from any of his other atrocities.  Politics.

Plot Summary
In this rather lengthy titled episode, Mr. Burns feels the pressure on him as his plant fails a safety inspection brought on by the discovery of a three-eyed fish Bart caught in a river just outside of the plant.  Faced with the possibility of the shutdown of his plant (or paying millions of dollars in repairs), Homer inadvertently gives Burns the idea to run for Governor so he can decide what is or isn't safe.

As it turns out, nobody likes Mr. Burns.  Yet, with his money he buys the best advisers and political strategists he can, and slowly but surely he starts rising up the charts.  It creates a political divide at the Simpsons' home as well: Marge roots for the incumbent Mary Bailey because her priorities are correct, and also because she isn't Mr. Burns.  Homer roots for Mr. Burns so that Burns doesn't fire him.  Such heated controversy!

Eventually, Burns ties Bailey in the polls, and his advisers determine that a dinner with one of his plant workers (guess who!?) will push him over the top.  Homer convinces Marge to have the dinner, but she has a plan up her sleeve.  At the dinner, she offers Mr. Burns the three-eyed fish Bart caught earlier in the episode.  After previously mentioning how natural and delicious it is in a political ad, Burns is unable to stomach the taste of this one, and spits it out, and his bid for Governor along with it.

Quick Review
Ah, politics.  Its like sports, except without any of the fun.  They have big conventions showcasing their political stars like some big wrestling event, political parties mock one another like two cliques in junior high school.  Then somehow people from these sides get elected and it turns out showboating and making fun of people offer no help in actual lawmaking.  Go figure.

The episode, while fine on its own, is a weaker effort compared to the last two episodes from this season.  The inspection of the run-down plant and Burns' eventual bribe were the best parts of the episode, I believe.  Otherwise, there just wasn't too much to laugh at.

Final Score: 7.3